An Essay for my Closest Friends
Until a year ago, when they used to say that your childhood and high school friends would fade away, I would laugh. I would laugh until my stomach hurt because I knew that these were the closest friends I’ve ever made, and I could never lose them.
I was content. I belonged.
I had a family outside of home.
Life took us all to different parts of the world, exposing us to different experiences. Some of grew, some of us didn’t, but the one thing that I kept looking for was you. I kept looking for you so much, that I didn’t even realise I was losing you.
You guys had shaped my life in a way unimaginable. You had given me a safe space – not just a friendship, but a true family – a bond stronger than anyone.
I took pride in us. We were different than the rest. We were kinder, more caring, more understanding and certainly, way less judgemental.
You taught me what being a nice human being was. I learnt a bit from all of you every single day, and I embodied the good parts in me, and loved your bad parts nevertheless.
We stood strong through all thick and thins – but does such a romanticised concept of friendship only exist in movies?
I remember this one full moon night last September, my roommate and I were sitting on a bench and I just couldn’t stop crying. I kept telling her – “I keep looking for my old friends in my new ones.” And for some reason, I just couldn’t find that level of friendship or comfort with anyone.
But how could I? When you experience a love, a bond so fierce and true, how can you learn to settle for something that doesn’t match that bond?
I didn’t feel like I belonged. Don’t get me wrong, I have loving friends who are absolutely amazing. But sometimes, I miss my old friends – not just because I used to see them every day, but because I used to experience their positive environment every single day – which I don’t feel like I do here.
Over the last couple of months, I haven’t really spoken to any of you. I spend countless moments in a single day just thinking about how I felt with I was with you guys – how I loved every single moment, even the ones I hated.
For some, home is four walls and a bed but for me, home means the right group of friends, the right circle – the one that wants just the best for you, the one that you love being with, no matter how tired you are. The one that you make countless plans to go to Imagica with but never end up going because some of us can’t go beyond Andheri (also we do not trust half the drivers in our group). The one that you go do amazing things with – like sitting in a room after school with the rain falling outside – and all of us talk about insane things and order Taco Bell (yaar, I miss the crunchy taco). The one with whom you study in Starbucks’ all over the city – the one with whom you feel the most yourself, even to this date, and you know you always will continue to. The one that scolds you for not watching chick flicks (I watched Legally Blonde the other day by the way! You’d be proud haha). The one with whom you aimlessly want to drive around the city – oh and the one that ends up at the wrong Phoenix Mall. The one that I share my creativity with – the one that I owe my formative years to – the ones that were my first ever best friends – the ones I still feel the most creatively inclined to (Capital Youtubers ayy).
I know I haven’t spoken to any of you for the longest time. How could I? I was going through a reflective path of self-discovery myself – I needed to know what I was and who I had become – and who I wanted to be. I needed to know how I could be a better friend – to you and to the new ones I make. Most of you know who I really am, and I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.
But the realisation that people move on exists, and I recognise that. After a certain point, all that is left is memories of the truest friendship you’ve ever felt – a friendship you know will never end.
Let the communication dim out, let the memories keep fading away – but the feeling of being with you guys will never will. I will continue to defend who you are to me, and who you mean to me. Just like I have, you’ll never know the ways or the situations I had to stand for you in – because that’s what true friendship is – be a support system without boasting it – something I learnt from all of you.
And now I know while our paths must continue to grow even further apart, I hope we find a way to reconcile one day again – in a way we always used to. For some that’ll be sooner (say less than 20 days until I’m back ayy), and for some, it’s years away.
I don’t feel like I belong much anymore. But discomfort results in growth, so I’m going to let myself feel what I’m feeling. I just hope to find you in someone else one day, just so I can feel that feeling of belongingness even more often than I do.
Here’s an essay for my closest friends – yet the ones who are geographically the farthest from where I am.
(I usually insert a song to compliment my writings – I feel it may help you understand the mindset behind each writing much better!)